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jennifer_lotus [userpic]

Could life get stranger?

September 12th, 2006 (12:21 am)
tired

current mood: tired

Wow.

Whew.

Just the strangest series of events lately. Related? Who knows.

I just know that I and everyone I talked to today was in a funk. 9-11. It hurts us all, even if we didn't know anyone killed.

Biz - Amazing talk with JB about maybe partnering earlier this week, but also all the spiritual overlaps of life and business. Met with Jo today about maybe partnering too and had some good insights. Overall, felt disoriented and off-track, then a message from JB about more synchronistic events - maybe the 4 of us could go in together?

Home - M and I have been talking about, looking at the possibility of moving in together... not sure where, how to even make it work... Landlord violated 24 hr notice law today and came into my house today without permission - then when I protested, he threatened me with eviction (with no basis for so doing!!). Started to lose hope about everything and think about giving up biz and all and move to PDX - then a perfect place came on Craigslist late tonight. Both M and the owner replied to my emails right away. What are the chances??

Friendships - While I was feeling withdrawn, the Sister called me out of the blue and we talked about real stuff. Helped me get balanced - then D and I talked and got some good ideas for how to create some fun with grrrls our age. Cool.

It's like, it's not bad, but it's not good, either. Balance. Sweet and sour.

I could get hit by a bus tomorrow and I would be okay, you know. Not blissed out, but content.

Like is such an f*ing blessing.

jennifer_lotus [userpic]

Cool collage!

September 12th, 2006 (12:19 am)

Thanks, Thjora!

My Interests Collage!Collapse )

Create your own! Originally Written By ga_woo, Hosted and ReWritten by darkman424

jennifer_lotus [userpic]

Updating!

September 5th, 2006 (02:30 pm)
calm

current mood: calm

Thanks for the nudge, Lazscott!

I haven't even looked to see how long it's been. I finally got internet at home again. I was trying to save a little $ sneaking the use of my neighbor's connection, but it wasn't working very reliably. Anyway, I'm back in the loop a little more.

Life is good overall. I seem to see a trend lately for relaxing and feeling less stressed out about my business. And about things in general.

Things with M are good; we had our first "fight" the other night about something silly and it blew over in a second and we cleaned it up right away. Almost 10 months together and nary a harsh word to one another. We've certainly got kinks to work out, but who doesn't? We're talking about moving in together in the near future.. looked at houses this past weekend. Scary and exciting territory. I feel good about the direction we're going in... and I wonder how I got lucky enough to meet her and have her in my life.

We're planning a trip to see my family at the end of October and see a childhood friend get married. She hasn't met anyone except my uncle and aunt, so I know it might be a little overwhelming to her. I'm excited to see my neices and the fall colors and share my hometown with her.

Business is growing... I am hearing unflattering things about my competition, which makes me sad but also helps me feel like I can do a better job than he can at assisting homeowners in our community... especially when it comes to personal relationships. I'm still in the red, but it's growing and I feel really committed to continuing what I'm doing (though I do have moments of doubt).

The volunteer center is also moving forward - we'll have a host site selected in a few weeks and will start gearing up for getting it funded and staffed. It's amazing to see it move from a dream to reality. Very exciting.

Still taking 60mg Strattera and 10 mg of Ritalin (as needed). The brain is ON and working and it feels really good to be so on top of things. The dry mouth gets to me sometimes when I'm really nervous and don't want it to show. Other than that it's fine. I can even pee pretty well most of the time, too. (sorry... TMI?)

Since I have my own business, I am not currently insured and pay for everything out of pocket. Lilly sent me 4 month prescription of Strattera for demonstrating financial need (with a scrip, of course) which has been a huge help considering it's $4 a pill otherwise. I *have* been considering seeing a homeopath for a remedy for my kind of ADD - sonce homeopathy *cures* disease rather then treats it. I was a skeptic until a homeopathic remedy cured my IBS (2 years symptom-free), one of the more challenging chronic illnesses. We'll see. I still have 2 months of Strattera left and will probably go before it runs out so I have some overlap time.

I'm working on my beliefs about money. If you've never worked for yourself, you probably can imagine how frightening it is to be completely responsible for producing all the needed income. I'm working on loving my choices and choosing resourcefulness vs. freaking out in panic. So far so good. Ultimately, that peaceful person I become creates a more appealing business for my clients. Neither panicked nor greedy. Nice.

Love to all still reading. Feel free to reply! :) Love, Jen

jennifer_lotus [userpic]

Existential Angst

June 22nd, 2006 (03:31 pm)

It just seems like nothing but roadblocks lately, and I'm tired - just tired of trying. There's nothing like a healthy dose of self-pity to help me get out of a funk. Wanting more stability, wanting more continuity, wanting more closeness and creating a lot of the opposite, it seems.

I keep wishing for a wise mentor or advisor with whom I can share my struggles and will listen and dispense advice with sagasity and patience. Instead I feel isolated and rattled a lot of the time.

Business is growing slowly but surely. Part time job could easily become full-time if I complied. Volunteer center is progressing, but in fits and starts. Relationship is... I don't know. The distance is getting to me and it's hard to feel like an us when we only stand in each other's presence once a week. I'm doing a lot of stuff I just have no interest in doing.

I forced myself to stay home last night - end ended up actually mowing my lawn and trimming hedges long-neglected. It felt really good. Then I went to porch night with the neighbors and enjoyed that too.

I suspect that the wise mentor I seek lives within me.

Anyway, that's me: tired, over-committed, but relatively level-headed. Hope all is well with you.

jennifer_lotus [userpic]

A little sick at heart...

June 7th, 2006 (12:18 pm)

It's not that I can't handle the loss of my office space... I'm just not sure *what* it is that has me feeling a little nauseous and a little scared.

I found out today that the building where my office is (my free office, where I have practically free internet and printing), the planned home of a really great company isn't going to come to fruition. At least not the way it was originally planned.

The upshot is that I'm going to have to move out of my new office this weekend. Me and all my stuff. That I just painted.

But that's not what's getting to me, it's the reason... Someone made a really bad decision... bordering on illegal. And it is someone I respected. *That* is why I feel sick at heart.

Sigh.

jennifer_lotus [userpic]

Thanks, Thjora

June 2nd, 2006 (08:40 am)

(laughing) I've never been nudged before. Has it really been two weeks?!

Well! Gosh, I've been busy... I spent 4 days retreating with some close friends, been busy with the business, got the final approval of our volunteer center workplan...

I'm leaving in just a minute to meet with a couple of realtors who want to offer my services to their clients, perhaps. I'm REEEEEALY nervous! :)

Bank of Dad came through with the loan - amazing. Wow.

I scratched a client's floor the other day and they're having a small fit. It's really stressing me out - and since they're also friend, I have my own internal drama going on.

Red has been an angel. Overall life is good and exciting and I feel really blessed.

Whew. That's all for now!

HUGS!! :)

jennifer_lotus [userpic]

Never worked so hard...

May 16th, 2006 (07:36 pm)

Hi.

I have to look back at my history to see how long it's been since I updated. Seems like a LOOOONG time.

Whoever said life would change when I started a business was right on the money. I am working a 3-day-a-week part-time job, plus the business, plus volunteering to get the center started. If I'm not working on something, I'm sleeping but fitfully.

Seems like the only time I stop running around is when M comes to visit, or better yet, when I go to see her. It's bliss. I don't realize until I stop just how much I'm doing. She is the light in my eyes and the spring in my step.

I have a meeting with my first potential big client next week. A realtor with a reputable group. I am excited. I feel like things are starting to pick up.

I am almost out of money and no credit cards to lean on. I sent a loan request to the 'rents and included the biz plan, 5-year projections and a repayment plan. I think they'll take it seriously, but I don't know if they have the cash to dole out. We'll see. If that doesn't happen, I'll have to start working full-time again and kick off the biz next year. At the moment, I don't feel scared. Open, a little curious, mostly just feel like I'm waiting for the people who need me to come into my life. And I am willing to meet them where they are.

It's good. Baffling. (shrug) Anyway, I thought I'd check in. I miss y'all since I only have internet at my office now. Probably a good thing in the long run. :)

Hugs. - Jen

jennifer_lotus [userpic]

Winds of change

May 5th, 2006 (08:16 pm)
calm

current mood: calm

Oh, well... (laughing self-consciously) How the light of day beats the dark of disillusionment. I'm not saying all is perfect, but then, is it ever? :) Yesterday, I said yes to life. I decided I wasn't going to let the passion of the moment or the tragedy of the day *define* my self-worth as I have been.

Today, 4 or 5 serendipitous things happened. And I don't see them as merely coincidental.

Ultimately, I'm making an agreement with what many people call God, and I prefer calling the Universe: I'm just gonna be myself. I'm going to make choices that are integruous. I am going to speak from my heart. I am going to trust... starting now. That doesn't mean I won't feel afraid. It just means that I will feel fear... and do it anyway.

Tuesday night, I had a thought that I should subscribe to the newspaper to keep abreast of local goings on. Wednesday morning, there was a paper on my doorstep, inexplicably. I read it cover to cover.

I am learning a ton about "The Ask" - how to ask people to do or participate in what I want without giving a sales pitch. For some reason, I've yet to learn this social skill. Instead of berating myself, though, I'm approaching it with curiosity and openness.

Thanks to a bunch of you for your emails and replies... I feel your support and it bolsters me. Thanks for chiming in. I really appreciate it. Hugs from me...

:) Jen

jennifer_lotus [userpic]

Looking down a long hole

May 3rd, 2006 (12:52 pm)
stressed

current mood: stressed

I can't help it. I keep trying to see evidence of hope, of possibility, but all I see is one long dark hole that I am eventually going to fall down. I am so friggin' terrified.

Read more...Collapse )

Anyway, that's how I'm doing lately.

jennifer_lotus [userpic]

My Answers

April 28th, 2006 (09:47 am)
hungry

current mood: hungry

Here are MY answers - YOU need to reply to the post 2 posts ago! :) Then I gotta go work out.

Read more...Collapse )
26. What's one piece of advice that you think should be passed on to every child?
You are perfect and magnificent - exactly the way that you are.

jennifer_lotus [userpic]

Today is like a reset button.

April 27th, 2006 (11:26 pm)
grateful

current mood: grateful

Today is like a reset button.

Yep.

I read a bunch of tshell's posts and I felt this empty kind of ache that felt like a longing for some fun. Why shouldn't I have any? I've been working my friggin' tail off for weeks! I was craving Mexican, so I called D. She called right back and we met at the place where I had my birthday party. I hardly ever drink... but I had a margarita (gasp) with dinner. We laffed and laffed... and then we went to the only bar in town that's smoke free. It was a kick. Me and D were only 2 of about 10 people there, spread out all over. The bartender, Dan, was a hoot. We hoped to find something like dessert, but alas, they only had horse dovers and burgers. Dan mixed up some chocolate cherry thing that was "like dessert". There were a couple of guys and a girl near us and they kept talking to us while we tried to answer Trivial Pursuit questions. Well, *I* tried. Meanwhile, D whipped my *ss.

It is the most fun I've had in a long time. Just cutting loose. I forgot what it was like to really laugh and not think about money, getting people to take me seriously, not worry about bills, or about being fit enough, or doing the "right" thing all the time. I didn't realize how exhausted and stressed out I've been.

M and I talk every night at 9pm, and I called her at 9:30, still out, and tried to explain myself. I felt guilty. I am afraid I'm racking up mistakes that I'm going to pay for big time. That's how my ex would see it, anyway. I wonder if there is room for me to do things on my own, if it's okay for me to need to cut loose from time to time. There is much to understand yet.

Anyway, I wrote that today is like a reset button because even though I'm tired at the moment, tonight was excactly what I've been needing and I didn't even know it. I feel more ready to tackle the challenges that lie ahead. And they may be big.

Thank goodness for friends. If you have some that are precious to you, make sure you tell them.

jennifer_lotus [userpic]

I just found this. Please do it.

April 27th, 2006 (06:38 pm)
hyper

current mood: hyper

C'mon. I never post this frivolous stuff. Just take a minute to do it. I want to know! And yes, YOU, those of you who read me regularly and don't *EVEN* have LiveJournals!!

I stole this from tshell, which was stolen from kmids, who stole it from pieces_of_alice

1. You have $10 and need to buy snacks at a gas station; what do you buy?

2. If you had to be reincarnated as some sort of sea dwelling creature, what would you be?

3. Who's your favorite redhead?

4. What do you order when you're at a pancake house?

5. Do you own any... naughty toys?

6. Have you made out with anyone on your friend's list?

7. Describe your favorite pair of underwear:

8. Describe the last time you were injured:

9. Are there any odd things that make you feel comfortable?

11. Tell me a weird story from your high school years:

12. What is the wallpaper on your cell phone?

13. Soda?

14. Flavor of pudding?

15. What type of shirt are you wearing?

16. Prescription medication?:

17. If you could use only one form of transportation for the rest of your life what would it be?

18. How many people are on your friends list?

19. How many people on your list do you know?

20. What are you listening to right now?

21. Most recent movie you watched

22. Name 5 things you have with you at all times:

23. Would you rather give or receive a foot massage?

24. Name a teacher you had the hots for.

25. What is a saying that you use a lot?

26. What's one piece of advice that you think should be passed on to every child?

jennifer_lotus [userpic]

Happy. Overwhelmed. Overall good.

April 27th, 2006 (05:51 pm)
chipper

current mood: chipper

My part-time-job interview went well and he all but hired me on the spot. If I get the job I'm *nervous* about detail retention... but it seems like a lot of what I'm good at and he's flexible about my schedule. This is good.

Read more...Collapse )

jennifer_lotus [userpic]

I did it!!

April 25th, 2006 (10:43 pm)
tired

current mood: tired

It took me HOURS longer than expected today, but I redesigned the office/studio of my very first client today and it turned out great. She called me the minute she walked in the door totally thrilled at how it looked. I could burst I feel so happy.

I wish I could show pics, but no camera yet! Just thought I'd fill you in! :)

jennifer_lotus [userpic]

On money and spending...

April 25th, 2006 (08:13 am)
determined

current mood: confident

I know I've been ranting about money fears for months.

Even though I still feel afraid that I'll end up destitiute sometimes, here are my thoughts on it.
Read more...Collapse )

In other news, I have an awesome girlfriend. :) I might have mentioned that already.

jennifer_lotus [userpic]

"Woogy" is not an emotion...

April 24th, 2006 (11:37 pm)
blank

current mood: blank

But that's how I feel tonight.

I have my first client tomorrow morning - ever. I'm nervous, but I've got all my supplies together. The rest is up to my training and my faith in "flow". I know it will be good. I still feel woogy tho.

I got cussed out by a sales rep on the phone today. That has never before happened in my life. Talk about woogy. I felt about "this big". Why did I let a total stranger reduce me to nothing... amazing.

I took a positive step for my health today and signed up for a gym membership. It was a leap on a number of levels... confidence, for one. Self-image, for two. Financial, for three. I have "tried" to get fit before and failed becuase of my inherent inconsistency. Maybe being on meds now will help? I dunno. The one person I told about it didn't respond very favorably and I let that dicourage me a little, started second guessing myself. Why did I do that?

Feeling just a little off-balance now because of these events. Is that true? Hm. I think so, but I can't absolutely be certain. However, when I tell myself that, I feel like a victim at the mercy of other people's elusive approval. If I didn't think this thought, I would feel trusting, in the flow, open-hearted. I would risk and accept the consequenses without complaint. The truth is, it is my thinking that has me feeling off-balance. Hm. How about that.

I guess I'm not feeling so woogy anymore.

jennifer_lotus [userpic]

Heart work

April 21st, 2006 (01:38 pm)
relieved

current mood: relieved

S and I made a date to meet today... I went over to her house and we had the best of talks, poured out our hearts, listened with tremendous compassion. And our friendship is that much deeper. I feel so much better. And guess what - she gave me the book as a gift to my new business. I feel so blessed to have a friend like her with whom I can risk big and open my heart fully.

Here's something I articulated to her today that I hadn't really put into words before:

All my life, I have felt so much shame for not being able to remember things, for not being able to accomplish tasks like everyone else seems to. I have spent a lot of energy trying to hide this shortcoming by being dramatic and by getting people to like me. That way, if I let them down by forgetting, I will have their pity or good graces to fall back on. Until today, I had no idea how stressful it was to have a disability (ADD) and try to compensate for it. I have had a problem with no name and none of my efforts to improve the behavior worked. I had to resort to manipulation in order to get by. No wonder I felt like a fake so much of the time.

Knowing this is very healing. It makes me realize that I can be more upfront with people about my needs, instead of feeling so ashamed. Wow.

S told me that she admired that I stepped *toward* the conflict and saw it as an opportunity to learn about myself and about her. I felt like a million. I still do.

(satisfied sigh)

jennifer_lotus [userpic]

A little work goes a long way.

April 18th, 2006 (08:42 pm)
relieved

current mood: relieved

I still haven't resolved the pinch with S that happened last Friday. I thought about it periodically over the weekend. She left a message yesterday about something unrelated and I didn't call back. Today she emailed me and I told her I was still processing. I don't know what my problem is. I don't know why this is derailing me so much and why I won't let it go. A moment ago, she sent me an email saying that she realized she was being judgmental (my word) and decided to give me the book I liked so much.

And it occurs to me... I don't want the book as much as I want her forgiveness.

So. Here's how Byron Katie's Work works:
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I didn't plan any of this. Just doing this exercise makes me realize how I contribute to the scenario instead of blaming S... or my ADD... or something else.

*I'm* the one who's in charge of this bus and I get to decide where to drive it. I think I'm going to call S tomorrow. I can't believe how much better I feel.

Hey - if you want to try this yourself, here's Katie's web address: http://www.thework.com/ResourceIntroduction.asp

Hugs - Jen

jennifer_lotus [userpic]

Zen and the art of swimming

April 17th, 2006 (06:00 pm)
peaceful

current mood: peaceful

We watched Finding Nemo last night, my 3rd time, her 2nd. And I had an epiphany while I was watching it.
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"Just keep swimming" reminds me of a quote from Jack Kornfield: "As you walk, eat, and travel, BE where you are; otherwise you will miss most of life."

Nothing, nothing more is supposed to be happening right now than exactly what is.

And if you want to read a master on this philosophy, read Byron Katie's Loving What Is. Amazing stuff.

jennifer_lotus [userpic]

The retreat that wasn't

April 14th, 2006 (02:28 pm)
crappy

current mood: crappy

I feel completely out of sorts. Any of you with ADD can relate, I'm sure; wait til I tell you.
the story...Collapse )

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